Sleepless Nights

So my latest parenting dilemma.  Sleepless nights.  And when I say latest, I mean more than the last week.  I can't even remember how long this has been going on.

Layla just will not sleep through the night.  Every now and then she will, but her regular pattern these days is to cry for me during the night.  Sometimes she cries twice.  Sometimes four or five times.

What's wrong with her, you may wonder.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  She used to want me to rock her.  I decided to break her of that, thinking that if I quit rocking her, she would STOP CRYING and start sleeping.  Wrong.  Now she just cries for me to come up and cover her up and give her a paci.  Grrr.

I'm. So. Tired. Of. It.

I'm also so very tired.  Perpetually.  If I sit down on the couch at any given time and am not otherwise engaged, it's a sure bet I'll fall asleep.

Derrick's solution? "Turn the monitor off."  That's what lots of other friends tell me too.

I just can't do it.  Monitors are a necessary evil.  I know plenty of parents who can just turn them off and let their children cry all night, but I'm just not one of them.  I figure all parents have to do what's best for them.  I could never live with myself if something were to happen (she jumped out of the crib, breaking her leg, or she cried so hard she vomited and was choking it - both of which are entirely possible) and I didn't hear it or know about it because I turned the monitor off to get some sleep.  Not that I'm judging anybody who could live with themselves.  Not at all.  Like I said, every parent has to do what they think is best.

Now, I do turn the monitor off for 20-30 minutes at a time, when I get really fed up and decide to let her cry it out.  Oh, and by the way, she can cry for hours.

I'm at a point now, though, where I'm not quite sure what to do.  Just in case you're wondering, she's fully capable of putting herself to sleep.  She goes to sleep on her own every single night.  Has for a long time.  It's the getting back to sleep when she wakes up fifty times a night that's a problem.

The paci fairy is coming this weekend, so I'm hoping that once she gets over not having a paci, she will at least stop calling me for that.  And frankly, if she's not sleeping after that, she'll probably have to cry a lot, with me turning the monitor on and off in 30 minute increments just to make sure she's still alive and not crying a cry that means something is terribly wrong.

I don't know what else to do.  It pains me to let my babies cry for hours, but at the same time, she has GOT to start sleeping.  All night.  She's moving in with Elizabeth before too long, and I can't have her waking up Elizabeth 3 or 4 times every night.  Not to mention, I kind of need to sleep.

Suggestions are welcome, as long as they don't involve turning the monitor off for the whole night.  That's just not going to happen.  Even if it means I never sleep.  I read something once that said when you become a parent, you give up your "right" to sleep.  Sleep is a privilege.  I don't know if I agree with that whole-heartedly, but I guess I kind of do.  Sleep is definitely a privilege.  A privilege I'd like to have again.  Soon.

broken

If you asked me to sum up how I'm feeling today, and how I've been feeling for the last week, I would say, "broken."

I think, or should I say I know, the Lord let me get to this place so that I would finally yield to Him. He put it on my heart several months ago to start getting in bed earlier (specifically by 11pm) and waking up earlier (7am) to spend some time with Him before my kids get up. I would say I've been feeling Him say that for at least 4 months, maybe longer. (Wow - to see that in print makes me realize how stubborn I am. Why does it take 4 months for me to start listening?)

The thing is, I always have so much to do. My kids don't get in bed until 9pm or later, and then I have to clean the kitchen, do laundry, pick up toys, check email, work on life group stuff, talk to my husband, sew, blog, etc. And that etc. includes a lot more things. Oh - and watching tv. Yes, that definitely takes up a lot of time. So being in bed by 11pm just doesn't happen. It's more like 12 or 1. Really. I know that seems crazy to many, but I'm a night owl, so it's quite easy for me to stay up that late without even knowing it.

But...the staying up late leads to me being tired and irritable, particularly with my kids. Plus, even though I'm up late, I never seem to find time for prayer or Bible study. So you can see why the Lord would be leading me to get in bed earlier and wake up earlier to start my day with Him. He is the giver of all time, after all.

4 months later, I find myself here. Broken. My almost 3 year old (it's official tomorrow) has lost her mind. I'm wondering if a demon has possessed her body. (Side note - my mom told me I should rebuke the demon if I know it's there. Please leave a comment if you have successfully rebuked any demons, especially from toddlers). I even did some research on bipolar toddlers. After searching the internet a little, it seems that my child is most likely not bipolar but is just quite strong-willed (surprise) and is acting out to get her way.

Acting out makes it sound really good compared to what's actually happening. I can't tell you how many tantrums she has thrown in the last 10 days. The tantrums can last for hours. Generally they begin over the silliest things. The last one (which lasted 1 hour+ and just ended 40 minutes ago) began over her wanting a different cup to drink water out of. I offered her 7 cups to choose from, and apparently, none of them were good enough. So. That silly thing led to one of the most exhausting tantrums I've experienced so far. I am physically exhausted from going up and down the stairs, trying to keep her in her room, trying to calm her, spanking her, shouting at her (I know I shouldn't, but I said I was broken), trying to send her to bed early, and the list goes on.

So. I am broken. Exhausted. Beat down. Frustrated. Discouraged. Feeling helpless.

The bright side? I am finally listening to my God. As of Monday, I have been getting in bed earlier and getting up earlier to start my day in the Bible. I figure that is the only way I'm ever going to be able to do this. If I hope to make it through a day without screaming at my child, I must start my day with God. If I want to keep my calm and composure, that will only come from Him.

I have hope, because I know the Lord gave me these children for a reason. There are lessons to be learned. As tired as I am, I am going to Him, hoping to be taught. Gasping for breath.

This morning, my reading was in Joshua, and I came across the familiar passage, "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (24:15)

He always knows. Doesn't He? Exactly what we need to hear.

mommy lesson: bedtime routines

As a parent, I am learning every day...every minute, even. Especially with Elizabeth, my 2.5 year old. Since she's the first, she's the guinea pig. I do wonder sometimes how first children make it. It's definitely divine intervention, because I know I have made some colossal mistakes. Well, I say colossal. They probably just feel colossal. I don't know. I never know what other people are doing, so I often feel I am the only one making these big mistakes, but I have learned over the years that when you feel like you're the only one, you're usually not. So, other moms out there, I know you hear what I'm saying and you're shaking your heads. We all make mistakes. If you're like me, you just pray that God will protect your babies and keep you from messing them up too badly. For this particular post, I will focus on one particular mistake I made with Elizabeth - her bedtime routine.

When it was time for Elizabeth to move to her own room (5 months, I think), it seemed like a good idea to get her into a bedtime routine. The books all say a bedtime routine is helpful to get a child ready for sleep. Implementing the same few things in the same order each night helps them anticipate bedtime, and theoretically, this will make it easier for them to sleep. Of course, they all suggest that you keep your routine somewhat simple: put on pjs, read one book, and tuck them in (for example). Well, I don't know what happened to Elizabeth's bedtime routine, but somehow it became anything but simple. The routine seems to have taken on a life of its own, and it has gradually morphed over the last two years into this 30-45 minute intricate process that literally drives me crazy sometimes. I can't put my finger on exactly when it got to be so complicated, but I know it's been that way for a while, because I remember having to explain it to babysitters and feeling like such a crazy woman for having to write down all these steps to put my kid to bed. The note would look something like this:

Bedtime (between 8:30 and 9)

-take green blankie, paci, milk, and water upstairs

-put on pjs

-turn on lamp, turn off overhead light

-turn on noise machine

-turn on music (Elizabeth can do it herself)

-read three books, sitting on the floor in front of the chair

-turn off lamp

-sit in chair, rock, and sing 3 songs

-put Elizabeth in bed with blankie, paci, milk, and water

-cover her with her snuggle blanket

-tell her goodnight, and leave the room

And that's for the sitter. When I'm the one doing it (which is the norm), we also brush teeth, and lately she wants me to scratch her back and then rub her back. With all of that, I usually have to go back in the room once or twice to rock her again or bring her more water or whatever else she has come up with. Oh - and did I mention I do almost all of those things to put her down for a nap too? Everything is a phase, and we're in a hard bedtime phase right now, so this routine is overly complicated, but even when she's in a good bedtime phase, it's still ridiculous. Since I am the one to put her to bed every night (at her insistence, not because Derrick isn't willing), it gets OLD. Very old.

So the lesson is this: for those who have babies that you will soon be establishing a bedtime routine for, or for those who will have babies in the future - create a short, simple bedtime routine. I learned my lesson with Elizabeth, so Layla is much easier. I nurse her, if it's time for a feeding, then I lay her in the bed. If it's not time for a feeding, we may rock for a minute, then I lay her in the bed.

I will share something else that I think is very important...another lesson, if you will. If you do want to incorporate singing, make your song a praise song that you enjoy. Lately, I have been very aware that when I get in the chair with Elizabeth and start singing, no matter how frustrated I am from our day together (she's 2, so we have a lot of rough days), when we start singing "Light of the world, you stepped down into darkness. Open my eyes, let me see..." I am always refreshed and always glad to be sitting with my daughter, praising the Lord.