broken

If you asked me to sum up how I'm feeling today, and how I've been feeling for the last week, I would say, "broken."

I think, or should I say I know, the Lord let me get to this place so that I would finally yield to Him. He put it on my heart several months ago to start getting in bed earlier (specifically by 11pm) and waking up earlier (7am) to spend some time with Him before my kids get up. I would say I've been feeling Him say that for at least 4 months, maybe longer. (Wow - to see that in print makes me realize how stubborn I am. Why does it take 4 months for me to start listening?)

The thing is, I always have so much to do. My kids don't get in bed until 9pm or later, and then I have to clean the kitchen, do laundry, pick up toys, check email, work on life group stuff, talk to my husband, sew, blog, etc. And that etc. includes a lot more things. Oh - and watching tv. Yes, that definitely takes up a lot of time. So being in bed by 11pm just doesn't happen. It's more like 12 or 1. Really. I know that seems crazy to many, but I'm a night owl, so it's quite easy for me to stay up that late without even knowing it.

But...the staying up late leads to me being tired and irritable, particularly with my kids. Plus, even though I'm up late, I never seem to find time for prayer or Bible study. So you can see why the Lord would be leading me to get in bed earlier and wake up earlier to start my day with Him. He is the giver of all time, after all.

4 months later, I find myself here. Broken. My almost 3 year old (it's official tomorrow) has lost her mind. I'm wondering if a demon has possessed her body. (Side note - my mom told me I should rebuke the demon if I know it's there. Please leave a comment if you have successfully rebuked any demons, especially from toddlers). I even did some research on bipolar toddlers. After searching the internet a little, it seems that my child is most likely not bipolar but is just quite strong-willed (surprise) and is acting out to get her way.

Acting out makes it sound really good compared to what's actually happening. I can't tell you how many tantrums she has thrown in the last 10 days. The tantrums can last for hours. Generally they begin over the silliest things. The last one (which lasted 1 hour+ and just ended 40 minutes ago) began over her wanting a different cup to drink water out of. I offered her 7 cups to choose from, and apparently, none of them were good enough. So. That silly thing led to one of the most exhausting tantrums I've experienced so far. I am physically exhausted from going up and down the stairs, trying to keep her in her room, trying to calm her, spanking her, shouting at her (I know I shouldn't, but I said I was broken), trying to send her to bed early, and the list goes on.

So. I am broken. Exhausted. Beat down. Frustrated. Discouraged. Feeling helpless.

The bright side? I am finally listening to my God. As of Monday, I have been getting in bed earlier and getting up earlier to start my day in the Bible. I figure that is the only way I'm ever going to be able to do this. If I hope to make it through a day without screaming at my child, I must start my day with God. If I want to keep my calm and composure, that will only come from Him.

I have hope, because I know the Lord gave me these children for a reason. There are lessons to be learned. As tired as I am, I am going to Him, hoping to be taught. Gasping for breath.

This morning, my reading was in Joshua, and I came across the familiar passage, "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (24:15)

He always knows. Doesn't He? Exactly what we need to hear.